Progressive Sockpuppetry 101

In the next 76 days or so, increasing numbers of progressives/liberals/Democrats will be called upon to perform sockpuppetry -- pretending to be someone you're not. This blog entry will explain the basics, so that you don't get busted immediately.

It's worth noting that regressives/conservatives/Republic(an)s have been sockpuppeting for years, although they're still not very good at it. It's not their fault; it's much more difficult for someone stupid to appear smart, than vice-versa.

Naturally, it's best to observe first, before jumping head-first into this (but don't observe too long; the election's only a few weeks away). Fortunately, there are millions of blogs; videos and media columns Out There, with comments enabled. Read and learn, then have some fun.

Progressives who wish to participate in this charade (presumably while commenting on a news column, or a blog) may find this list useful:

1. Decide upon a right-wing sounding name. Republics love to think of themselves as Defenders of The Faith, so anything that reminds the viewer of that trait will give you an advantage. Examples: flagwaver911; jesuslovesyou316; proudirishgal (note that none of these use UCC) are all good examples that will be immediately accepted by the Right Wing Sociopaths. Names such as LiberalLenny or SatanWorshipper will get you busted before you can say "Gimme a Bud".


2. Don't use your real email address. Almost anything with an @ sign in the middle will pass The Stupid Filter that's in use on most sites. Occasionally, clear your history by repeatedly pressing the [Delete] key while in the Name/Email field.


3. It's probably best to leave the website field blank. If you must, I suggest you use one of the many "fake news" sites out there, like www.TheOnion.com; www.TheDailyShow.com or even www.FoxNews.com


4. (Optional, for the paranoid among us:) If you really want to be crafty, use an ISP with dynamic IP addresses (and reboot after each posting, being sure to set your DHCP lease to 10 minutes or so) ... or ... use one of the sites/plugins which masks your IP address.


5. Even though most Republics are in the middle class, they fancy themselves as being Rich Rich Rich. This is one of the accomplishments of Karl Rove; he's convinced them to vote against their own best interests, to enact policies that help the richest 1% become even richer, while Royally Screwing everyone else. Very few Republics have discovered this fraud. Some Republics are spammers who live from one Get Rich Quick scheme to the next and live in single-wide trailers or their uncle's basement. Their diet consists of pork rinds and Easy Cheese. Yet, I digress.


6. Turn off your spell checker and/or grammar checkers. Republics never learned how to spell or use correct grammar and view anyone who can do so as "elitist" (i.e. "smart"), which is immediate cause for suspicion. Be sure to misuse homonyms* such as "too/two/to"; "there/thair/theyre [sic]"; "hear/here"; ; "wear/ware"; "are/our". Try not to misspell too many words; even Republics can spell a few words. You might also trying writing like a 13-year old girl would text message ("OMG!! I M GNA B L8")

   * they think homonym means "Gay Word"

7. Never use a word that would force a 10+ year old to consult a dictionary. If you're using "big people words" you'll be instantly spotted as a fraud.


8. Use lots of exclamation marks, and capitalize the wrong words. Example: "Hear in AMERICA We love Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!" Complete throw out everything you every learned about punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.


9. For American sites: use lots of Christian religious references, especially when they have no bearing on the topic. Example: "OMG!!!! It says in REVELATION thet the Antichrist will come from Lithuaina!!!!" It's best to avoid citing specific passages because some of Them have memorized everything, like Muslims who memorize the Quran. Sprinkle in an occasional "Bless your heart" or "Praise the Lord!!!" for added effect. Even They aren't stupid enough to think that "John 6:66" is a real reference, so don't attempt such a juvenile tactic.


10. Above all, try to remember what it was like to argue with a 7-year old. Since the bulk of school bullies will grow up to be Republics, if you argue like a 7-year old bully, odds are nobody will out you. Don't forget to demean your opponent. Example: "Why doesn't Barry HUSSANE Osama ware a Flag!?!?! He must be a muslum who hats AMERICA!!!!" .. or .. "Are you stopid or WHAT!!!". This will endear you to White Christian Republics, who generally have an IQ around 75 - the median in their Grand Old Party. Be careful not to use reasoning in any argument; you'll be wasting your time. It would be easier to teach a pig to sing.


11. Keep your comments brief. Republics have a very limited attention span and no ability to read more than a few lines without wishing for a cold Bud, or talkin' about theyre dream team, or what gun to use to Kill a Libreal, etc. Their distraction threshold is very low. As you've noticed with John McCain, you should avoid multi-part questions altogether.


12. IF YOU RILLY WANT TO LOOK LIKE ON OF THEM PRESS THE CAPS LOCK KEY AND TYPE TO YER HART'S DESARR.

Sometimes it's good fun to post a random stupidity to one of their websites/blogs, since the odds of being discovered are slim-to-none. That said, this gets boring fast as there's little challenge involved. Going onto Bill O'Reilly's site and telling him "I watch yo show every Night and YOU KICK LIBEREL ASS!!!! I want to half your Baby!!!" will undoubtedly be approved by their screeners without a second glance.

Here's something that may annoy the sane people among us, so please don't overdo it: post nonsense to a sane website, sockpuppeting as A Republic. Example: when a scientist has explained string theory, comment (as flagwaver911) that "Yer String Thoery is NOT in The Bible and you will shirly BURN IN HELL!!!!!" which is both a non sequitur as well as a way for that site's sane humans to prejudge all White Christian Republics to be morons, saving them valuable time in the future when they encounter such oafs (oaves?).