A fable about Russia and Georgia

I know millions (billions?) of you are hanging by your fingertips, waiting on my opinion regarding the Russian invasion of Georgia. If you expect me to back John McCain, whose mantra is "War! War! Invade! Invade!" .. well, you're sadly mistaken.

Kindly allow me to paint a picture for you:

1. Let's assume the USA decides to make Georgia a strategic ally.
2. The USA sells lots of arms to the Georgians. Yes, they know Russia is next door.
3. Separately, the USA announces plans to put missiles in Poland.
4. Next, two of the 11 Georgian states (with large numbers of Russian expats) say they no longer want to be part of Georgia.
5. Georgia sends in federal troops to prevent that from happening.
6. In order to "protect the Russian expats", Russia invades Georgia.
7. Now, the UN blames Russia for invading.
8. A war-first US Senator (running for President) pledges his support for Georgia.
9. Meanwhile, the USA sits back, ready to sell Georgia more weapons as soon as the coast is clear.

Now, for purposes of argument, let's switch the names of the players:

USA -> Russia
Georgia -> Mexico
Poland -> Cuba
Russia -> USA

1. Let's assume Russia decides to make Mexico a strategic ally.
2. Russia sells lots of arms to the Mexicans. Yes, they know the USA is next door.
3. Separately, Russia announces plans to put missiles in Cuba.
4. Next, two of the 31 Mexican states (with large numbers of US expats) say they no longer want to be part of Mexico.
5. Mexico sends in federal troops to prevent that from happening.
6. In order to "protect the US expats", the USA invades Mexico.
7. Now, the UN blames the USA for invading.
8. A war-first Russian Senator (running for President) pledges his support for Mexico.
9. Meanwhile, the Russians sit back, ready to sell Mexico more weapons as soon as the coast is clear.

Now, what do you think? Still think this is worth (maybe nuclear) war?

Progressive Sockpuppetry 101

In the next 76 days or so, increasing numbers of progressives/liberals/Democrats will be called upon to perform sockpuppetry -- pretending to be someone you're not. This blog entry will explain the basics, so that you don't get busted immediately.

It's worth noting that regressives/conservatives/Republic(an)s have been sockpuppeting for years, although they're still not very good at it. It's not their fault; it's much more difficult for someone stupid to appear smart, than vice-versa.

Naturally, it's best to observe first, before jumping head-first into this (but don't observe too long; the election's only a few weeks away). Fortunately, there are millions of blogs; videos and media columns Out There, with comments enabled. Read and learn, then have some fun.

Progressives who wish to participate in this charade (presumably while commenting on a news column, or a blog) may find this list useful:

1. Decide upon a right-wing sounding name. Republics love to think of themselves as Defenders of The Faith, so anything that reminds the viewer of that trait will give you an advantage. Examples: flagwaver911; jesuslovesyou316; proudirishgal (note that none of these use UCC) are all good examples that will be immediately accepted by the Right Wing Sociopaths. Names such as LiberalLenny or SatanWorshipper will get you busted before you can say "Gimme a Bud".


2. Don't use your real email address. Almost anything with an @ sign in the middle will pass The Stupid Filter that's in use on most sites. Occasionally, clear your history by repeatedly pressing the [Delete] key while in the Name/Email field.


3. It's probably best to leave the website field blank. If you must, I suggest you use one of the many "fake news" sites out there, like www.TheOnion.com; www.TheDailyShow.com or even www.FoxNews.com


4. (Optional, for the paranoid among us:) If you really want to be crafty, use an ISP with dynamic IP addresses (and reboot after each posting, being sure to set your DHCP lease to 10 minutes or so) ... or ... use one of the sites/plugins which masks your IP address.


5. Even though most Republics are in the middle class, they fancy themselves as being Rich Rich Rich. This is one of the accomplishments of Karl Rove; he's convinced them to vote against their own best interests, to enact policies that help the richest 1% become even richer, while Royally Screwing everyone else. Very few Republics have discovered this fraud. Some Republics are spammers who live from one Get Rich Quick scheme to the next and live in single-wide trailers or their uncle's basement. Their diet consists of pork rinds and Easy Cheese. Yet, I digress.


6. Turn off your spell checker and/or grammar checkers. Republics never learned how to spell or use correct grammar and view anyone who can do so as "elitist" (i.e. "smart"), which is immediate cause for suspicion. Be sure to misuse homonyms* such as "too/two/to"; "there/thair/theyre [sic]"; "hear/here"; ; "wear/ware"; "are/our". Try not to misspell too many words; even Republics can spell a few words. You might also trying writing like a 13-year old girl would text message ("OMG!! I M GNA B L8")

   * they think homonym means "Gay Word"

7. Never use a word that would force a 10+ year old to consult a dictionary. If you're using "big people words" you'll be instantly spotted as a fraud.


8. Use lots of exclamation marks, and capitalize the wrong words. Example: "Hear in AMERICA We love Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!" Complete throw out everything you every learned about punctuation, run-on sentences, etc.


9. For American sites: use lots of Christian religious references, especially when they have no bearing on the topic. Example: "OMG!!!! It says in REVELATION thet the Antichrist will come from Lithuaina!!!!" It's best to avoid citing specific passages because some of Them have memorized everything, like Muslims who memorize the Quran. Sprinkle in an occasional "Bless your heart" or "Praise the Lord!!!" for added effect. Even They aren't stupid enough to think that "John 6:66" is a real reference, so don't attempt such a juvenile tactic.


10. Above all, try to remember what it was like to argue with a 7-year old. Since the bulk of school bullies will grow up to be Republics, if you argue like a 7-year old bully, odds are nobody will out you. Don't forget to demean your opponent. Example: "Why doesn't Barry HUSSANE Osama ware a Flag!?!?! He must be a muslum who hats AMERICA!!!!" .. or .. "Are you stopid or WHAT!!!". This will endear you to White Christian Republics, who generally have an IQ around 75 - the median in their Grand Old Party. Be careful not to use reasoning in any argument; you'll be wasting your time. It would be easier to teach a pig to sing.


11. Keep your comments brief. Republics have a very limited attention span and no ability to read more than a few lines without wishing for a cold Bud, or talkin' about theyre dream team, or what gun to use to Kill a Libreal, etc. Their distraction threshold is very low. As you've noticed with John McCain, you should avoid multi-part questions altogether.


12. IF YOU RILLY WANT TO LOOK LIKE ON OF THEM PRESS THE CAPS LOCK KEY AND TYPE TO YER HART'S DESARR.

Sometimes it's good fun to post a random stupidity to one of their websites/blogs, since the odds of being discovered are slim-to-none. That said, this gets boring fast as there's little challenge involved. Going onto Bill O'Reilly's site and telling him "I watch yo show every Night and YOU KICK LIBEREL ASS!!!! I want to half your Baby!!!" will undoubtedly be approved by their screeners without a second glance.

Here's something that may annoy the sane people among us, so please don't overdo it: post nonsense to a sane website, sockpuppeting as A Republic. Example: when a scientist has explained string theory, comment (as flagwaver911) that "Yer String Thoery is NOT in The Bible and you will shirly BURN IN HELL!!!!!" which is both a non sequitur as well as a way for that site's sane humans to prejudge all White Christian Republics to be morons, saving them valuable time in the future when they encounter such oafs (oaves?).

ordeal at the drive-thru

Last night, I moseyed over to a local store to fetch some CFLs that were priced at 59c each (I bought 6 of them - for me, that's a lifetime supply of these low-wattage bulbs).

Afterwards, I stopped at a local drive-thru for a sandwich and a drink, and that's when things got interesting.

I happened to arrive moments after two guys in a small white pickup attempted to place their order. Alternating ordering through their window, and opening the truck's door to talk .. they ordered about $30 worth of fast food (it wasn't hard to hear their order - lots of sandwiches with each condiment specified - e.g. "hamburger with lettuce, ketchup and onions .. (long pause) ... cheeseburger with mustard and tomato .." etc.) This should've told me that I was in for a long wait, but .. I decided to stay, since this was the last thing on My Agenda For The Night.

Next, they pulled up to the window and the clerk handed their four (4) drinks to the driver, then waited for the money. Another long pause. I guess Company Policy is that if someone leaves without paying, they didn't lose much since the profit on soda is about 96%. The driver handed two folded bills - one by one - out the window, over his left shoulder, without looking .. since he and the passenger were by then anxiously searching for something inside the cab. I mentally noted their license plate number.

Next, the passenger's door opens halfway, enough for him to stick his legs outside while continuing to search for something inside the truck. Then, the driver exited the cab, presumably to see if he'd been sitting on Whatever. It was then I could see he was wearing knee-length red satin trunks - something a Pimp Basketball team would wear.

Next, the driver got out of the truck completely and proceeded to walk past my car very slowly until he reached the drive-thru's order board. Still not finding what he was looking for, he came alongside my side of the car (by then I had locked the doors) and got back inside the truck, still searching.

At that point, I decided to cut my losses and backup .. perhaps leave. Once I'd backed up, the driver made another inspection of the drive-thru lane, a bit more meticulously than at first.

Now, this is the only drive-thru in Dallas with two lanes (like the In-N-Out Burgers on the west coast). Rather than leave, I decided to switch lanes, even if it meant stretching across the front seat to handle my transaction through the passenger window. Only then could I see that there were two SUVs in front of me. Lovely .. this had already turned into a 10-minute ordeal and was likely to be longer. Backing up from the left lane would be much more challenging. Now, I was stuck.

Eventually (another 5 minutes passed) I reached the window, and handed my cash out the passenger window, explaining to the clerk that I'd switched. "Yes, I noticed" he said, "... sorry about that". He then explained that the two guys in the pickup were Very Drunk and "had been smoking something they shouldn't have". Ah, that explained a lot.

So, the two guys in the little white pickup were drunk and stoned (hence the munchies), and had lost their bag-o-weed, hence the frantic search inside the cab.

This made me wonder what responsibility - if any - the fast food clerk had, to call the police and turn these drunk stoners over before they kill someone. Then again, they may still be at the drive-thru today, searching for Whatever.

Republic Party Credo, pre-convention update

It appears the Republic Party Credo missed two items .. so, numbers 8 and 9 have been added:

1. Never, EVER take responsibility.
2. Always blame the Democrats - for everything.
3. Lie, then lie some more. Everybody Knows™ that if you repeat something 3 times, it becomes True! You may even start believing the lies yourself.
4. Learn how to speak out of both sides of your mouth, without flinching. Develop a negative twist to everything your opponent does, even if it's just walking across the street.
5. Trivialize everything your opponent says. Take a seemingly-insignificant phrase out of context, and tell your audience that was the primary message. Say it with a sneer, if possible.
6. If you're an elected Republic, learn how to obfuscate and delay - those are GOP SOP (2007-8 Republic senators have filibustered more bills than any Congress in history)
7. Never forget that most voters do not follow politics, so pander to them, always. You are there to get their vote, not educate them.
8. Distract the voters! When they ask about the economy, or the war, or health care, ask them why they're not wearing an American flag lapel pin, or why they hate America.
9. Never admit you're wrong; that is a sign of weakness.

As I explained to LWB:

One thing you have to understand about Republicans in general : they are simple people. They want easy, simple answers to life's problems and get confused whenever the answer is even mildly complex. If you try to argue with them, they'll become frustrated and angry, because they've already concluded that the simple answer is logical.

I've found it easier to talk to them if I pretend i'm talking to an 8-year old, and explain things in very simple ways. Many of them made it through school either because their rich parents asked for favors, or .. just the problem with education in general where there's significant pressure to pass students.

Haven't you noticed how few Texans can read/write without making frequent spelling and grammar errors? Their priorities are all wrong; they put more emphasis on the weekly football game, or how the cheerleader's hair looks, than education. There are exceptions, of course; those are called "Democrats".

It would be funny if it weren't so serious. Republicans vote like they're selecting a next-door neighbor. Democrats vote like they're selecting someone for a JOB - as US President, in this case.

Originally posted on 8 July 2008

upcoming feature: The Bay of Pigs II

Doesn't anyone in Washington know how to read a history book?

After I read this in The Australian: Poland, US reach missile shield deal, I started counting how long it will take for the Russians to place some "defensive missiles" in Cuba, just like they did in 1962.

Now: lather, rinse, repeat.

For those of you who don't remember, read about the Cuban Missile Crisis, paying special attention to the part about the US missiles in Turkey.

George Dubya Bush, June 2001, on Vladimir Putin:

"I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy and we had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul."

Well, golly, I feel better already. Guess it's time to update my will, not that there will be anyone left to inherit ...

fun with charts and graphs

h/t to Geoff ...

guilt-free in Arkansas

One thing that will probably not come out in the story about Timothy Dale Johnson (the Arkansas man who assassinated* Democratic super delegate Bill Gwatney (Arkansas Democratic Chairman)) earlier today:

What radio station was he listening to (in his blue pickup)?

I'd bet dollars-to-doughnuts that it was Ann Coulter, commanding him (and anyone else who would listen) to murder as many "Libbberals" as possible. The fact that he didn't use Coulter's designated implement - the baseball bat - is mostly irrelevant. Why he chose not to murder a security guard at the Arkansas Baptist State Convention office (a few minutes after Gwatney's assassination) remains a mystery.

Oddly, had he not threatened that security guard, he might have gotten away with the crime. That worker provided the man's vehicle description, as documented on The Arkansas Times' blog.

This comes just over two weeks after another Coulter disciple, Jim David Adkisson, murdered two (and wounded seven) people at Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, which was known for daring to be inclusive/tolerant - something that Coulter (and her millionaire accomplices - Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, etc) - find abhorrent.

As I understand it, Johnson was fired from his job after he wrote graffiti on a wall at the Target grocery in Conway, Arkansas. He went home, loaded his guns and proceeded to find the state's top Democrat and assassinate him. Ann Coulter must be very, very proud of her henchman.

* The fact that he asked for Gwatney by name makes this an assassination.

Friday update: looks like there are others advocating the killing of Democrats: The Right Shirts.com